My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
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Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Proctology is located in A55
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”