Every house has this drawer
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Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
How software testing works
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.