paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
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Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary