[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
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[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.