*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
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My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack