Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
A completely valid reaction tbh
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
We like the way Dwight thinks
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.