I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
You Might Also Like
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
if a cop pulls u over play dead
synchronized noseblowing
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket