If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
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Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Morning.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.