I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
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Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea