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“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.