deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
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Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Growing out my freckles.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”