God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
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Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I’m confused about plants
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Cucumbers Anonymous
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*