Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
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You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)