I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
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it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip