The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
You Might Also Like
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.