Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
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Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
What my back needs
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out