me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
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When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
LMAO
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.