*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
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I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.