waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
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Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.