I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
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PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
are there any atheist mantises?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978