Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
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Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I hope they boil the right one.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform