me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
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[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”