Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
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Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.