If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
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Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”