You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
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[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.