3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
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10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Time heals everything 🙂
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Realize this:
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*