A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
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The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Can. I. Help. You.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.