Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
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2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
The 6 types of sex
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?