My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
You Might Also Like
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff