visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
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Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.