I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
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[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.