Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
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Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
not to brag, but mine was free
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.