Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
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Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*