Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
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Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I put the mess in domestic.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
did it work
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.