I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
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did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.