*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
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“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Netflix: We have Less
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*