Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
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Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Canada has crack?
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I’m not alone. I have ants.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.