Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
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Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
the three branches of government
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.