Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
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Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”