I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
You Might Also Like
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Sing it!
Spring of Deception
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at