Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Me, reading some of your tweets
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this