[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.