Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
me after drinking all the wine:
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.