If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
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*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.