Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
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Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY