*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
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[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I can’t stop watching this.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.