ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
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Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.