What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
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Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.