Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
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Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree