[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
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I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
no such thing as a dumb question
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!